• Studies have shown that people with out-of-control emotions not only suffer from depression, anxiety, anger issues, and relational dysfunction, but also with heart problems, immunodeficiency, and even the recurrence of cancer.  Referenced from “Deadly Emotions” by Don Colbert M.D.
• When our emotions are relatively stable we have increased immunity and more successful relationships. The motivating factor here is…A Better Quality of Life! Referenced from “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman

Step One: Orienting to Emotions

• Sit quietly and take note of any emotions felt. Basic Emotions are Mad, Sad and Happy. I recommend starting with the basic emotions and working your way up to the more complicated ones.
  • It is important to also take notice of your physical body and what you are feeling (ie. Heart rate, body temperature, comfort, pain, hunger, thirst, and so on…)

• Begin listing out emotions felt throughout the day and attached to each emotion write down what was happening at the time. This may be a situation, a place, a person, a thing, a memory, and whatever.
  • You are looking for the object connected to the emotion, otherwise known as the “Trigger.”

• For best results practice daily for approximately 5 minutes.

Step Two: Understanding Triggers

• Identify the reality of the Trigger by asking questions about yourself.
  • Do I really care what this person thinks?
  • Do they really know me that well?
  • Am I missing something in this conversation?
  • Is this issue really that important to me?
  • Am I communicating clearly? Or do I just think I am?
  • Do I know the full story? Or have I been listening to what I want to hear?
  • And so on…………

• Note: Addressing circumstances can be difficult if you are flooded with overwhelming emotions. You may have to wait until a calmer state occurs before you can begin uncovering the reality of the situation.
• Well I can just tell! I just know! Might be some of your answers. It is likely that your past experiences are informing your reactions to similar situations with different people. Be careful not to project a past experience onto a current situation.

• What are my beliefs about others and self?
  • Are people all bad? Or all good? Or both?
  • Am I all bad? Or all good? Or both?
  • Are my values different than that person? And/or are there values different than mine?

• Are you “Mind Reading”?
  • Do they really have those intentions? Are they really thinking that about you?
  • How do you know what others think or believe?

Step Three: Who is in Control?

• To gain control of our emotions we must determine what we are in control of and what we are not in control of.
  • What does it feel like to be without control?
  • In what ways do you behave when you don’t have control?

• • Revisit step 1 and 2

• It is common for everybody to try and maintain order in the often chaotic lives we live. If a picture is crooked we are bound to make it level, but attempting to control that which is uncontrollable (ie. Freeway Traffic) only creates more bitterness and anxiety.
• IMPORTANT!!!!! Friends and family are not objects for us to control, only people with whom we journey this life together.

Step Four: Picking Our Battles.

• Ask yourself the question: Is this REALLY worth fighting for?
• Remember, the battle does not have to be within, and your relationship is not about competition. Refer back to step three if you believe you are always right

NOTE: These are steps can be repeated and revisited throughout one’s life to gain further mastery over out-of-control emotions.

          Parenting through divorce is not just learning new parenting techniques but learning to change the way you react to and think about relationships. In this article you will find tips and direction on change, but the course shifts only when your are emotionally motivated and have exerted effort.

The Dilemma of Change:

“Thinking”, is not an easy thing to change. Our history effects the way we relate to others and the way we think about those relationships (ie. How we were raised, our level of intimacy experienced with our parents, and the intensity of our previous relationships). Dysfunctional thinking takes time to learn, and to change it begins with a step of faith, a choice to protest against dysfunction, and a fight for healthy relationships.

I want to emphasise here that we choose the type of relationship we have with others, and we choose how we are going to behave in those relationships. Choice means we are not victims and thus have little ground for placing blame. Like the old cliche says…”It takes two to Tango”.

Gaining Perspective (in no particular order):

• Acknowledge the bond that is currently bringing both parents back together despite your efforts to stay appart…YOUR CHILD!!!!
• Become closely acquainted with your emotional reactions to divorce – Self Empathy
• Understand some of the consequences of divorce
  • Relocation
  • Financial difficulty
  • Split time with family and children
  • Awkwardness
  • Forced to deal with new difficulties in parenting
• Don’t forget you are a participant in this dysfunctional family not a free loader. Good Cop Bad Cop is OVER!!!!!!!!!!!! 
• Empathize with the unique perspective of your child
• • Pull from your experience and emotional reaction to divorce to better understand how your child might be feeling.
  • Let yourself experience the grief cycle with your child
    • This will display positive modeling and proper emotional regulation for your child to learn from, given the assumption that you are learning healthy emotional regulation. (The grief cycle happens throughout life)

The “Do-not’s” in communication:

• No pointing fingers or blaming others
• No Shaming or guilting self or others
• Children are not pawns to manipulate your x-spouse with
• Your perspective is not always right
• No Interrupting

Parenting Plan – The “Do’s” in Communication:  

• Discuss rules of the family and the roles the members play.
• Identify what you value as a parent & communicate that clearly
• Develop together a set of possitive and negative consequences when your child’s behavior is  both good and bad.
  • Remember to follow through – Consistency with both parents is key here.
• Provide consistency with healthy boundaries.
• Parents…Educate yourselves!
• Protest against dysfunctional communication and behaviors
  • Seek professional help if needed.

Teach a Child to Fish & He Will Eat For a Lifetime:

• Pay close attention to how you relate to your children, as he or she will model there relationship skill after you, and will relate to you in kind.
• Let the past be where it is and learn now what your child needs - A coach and encourager, a teacher and mentor. 
• Empower your child by creating Boundaries and consistent structure.
• Engage with your child in what they care about, what they dream about, and be sure to participate in life with them.

 It takes time, dedication, and persistence to change the way your brain thinks; just as it is to train for a marathon. You will feel tired, want to give up, and possibly try to push responsibility on somebody else. Oddly enough holding on to old habits only creates more difficulty and frustration when looking for change. So, with patients, effort, and a little perspective you may find the road to change a bit clear and easier. You may find your self enjoying your child as they practice the skills you have shown them.

Hi! I am your teenagers’ brain, and the part that allows me to balance and respond to difficult emotions, the frontal lobe, has not fully developed yet. The part that handles my “fear and other gut reactions,” the amygdala, is the primary area in control (NIMH 2001), which makes it biologically difficult for me to navigate the emotional demands of divorce.

Developmentally and socially I am of the age where I try and find out who I am and what my role is. This stage can feel confusing and stressful; I am trying to balance my world: high school, social groups, where I belong, who I am, and struggling to understand what a meaningful relationship is. Adding divorce to this stage of my life makes it even more difficult and confusing. It feels like I am being punished for not running when still learning to crawl. I’m stuck!
Leaving Room for My Anger

When you got divorced, I felt and still feel a lot of different emotions. I sometimes feel nobody is listining, frightened, responsible for the divorce, lonely, surprised, scared, confused, frustrated, sad, angry, and terrified that one of you or maybe both might abandon me.

When you two were going through the decision making process I didn’t feel like I had any say, almost like my voice was being put on mute.

When you decided who I was going to live with, I really wish I could have had some say in that matter.

I really wish that you could just listen to me, and understand that I’m going to be angry, and that I might even be angry at you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, it just means that I am hurting and I don’t know how else to express what I feel inside.

I also want to let you know that I can’t just get over it in a day, it may take me weeks, month, or even years to understand what happened, and please don’t bother telling me “it will all be okay.” I know that may have been hard for you to hear, but you needed to know it’s not okay and it hurts. Your way of dealing with this divorce is different than mine, and that has to be okay too!

All that I’m asking is for you to be understanding when I am hurting, though I may not always show it in the best way, this is really hard for me.

Grieving the Lose of My Family

I am at the point in my life where I am just learning to think abstractly and understand that my home is now broken, and that the family I once knew is lost forever.

So please, for my sake, leave a little room for my grief and not-so-pleasant emotions. Just so you know, that when I am not able or unwilling to grieve my lose I am likely to express myself in some ways that might be destructive.

Sometimes, when I am unsure about how to handle my emotions, I may act out in negative ways for lack of knowing what else to do, ‘instead of spending my time on more attainable, authentic, and satisfying skills, relationships and myself.’ (Broomfield p. 21)

Broomfield, R. (2005) Teens in Therapy: Making it Their Own. W.W. Norton & Company; New York, NY.
National Institute of Mental Health (2001) Teenage Brain: A Work in Progress. NIH Publication No. 01-4929

Baby Steps: Don’t expect things to change overnight as each behavioral change takes time and has limits. In other words, don’t push your luck with compliance; If you find something that works, stick with it for a bit before you add anything further. If it doesn’t work after a few weeks…Try Something New!!!

• Praise: Be sure to praise compliance, and any other good behavior for that matter. It is important to keep the momentum going.
• Consequences: Immediately implement consequences after noncompliance occurs.

  • Punishment needs to be appropriate to the “Crime”, and clearly stated.

  • All punishment should be under the attitude of “Calm-Assertiveness,” not out of shame or guilt.

  • It is important to keep a handle of your own emotions and reactivity.
• Clarity: All requests/commands need to be clearly spoken and specific to what is being asked. Never assume your child knows what is expected of them without being told. Remember… this is a child/adolescent, speak eye to eye and to their intellectual level of understanding.
• Modeling: Kids behave the way their parents behave, so be conscious about what you say, the way you say it, what you do, your emotional state, and so forth.
• Empathy: Like modeling a behavior you are modeling emotional intelligence. This is where you are able to regulate, express and label your emotions so that your child will learn to understand theirs.
• Difference: Every child and adult is different and will likely respond to requests differently. So start over, get to know your child as if it was for the first time, and you will begin to learn what works and what doesn’t. Becasue no child or parent is the same we will find countless books on parenting. All of which may or may not address what you are looking for, so be as Creative as people are different.
• Commitment & Consistency: This must include both parental figures. With commitment we have the start to healthy relationship, and with consistency we see change because they see what is expected.
• Creativity: There is a reason we can find countless books on parenting, because no child or parent is the same so be creative within the boundaries of a healthy relationship.

Grace:

• Lets be real, parenting is a full time job that must somehow balance real life demands, so…
• It is OKAY to allow a little grace and let some things go.
• Remember parenting is no place for shame and guilt to resided, just people trying to live life as best they can.